End of an Era 🤌🏽

Sept 2021 It’s been 20 years since I watched my dad pace in front of the TV, grandparents pray, uncles frantically on the phone, aunts barely keeping it together, and my brother and I searching for our mother in a bright red blouse in the rumbles of NYC. 2021 sums up a year of what feels like nothing but loss after loss and coincidentally 20 years since my first memory on 9/11, when I almost learned what that was at the age of 3.

Whenever I was alone in my head, I found myself wondering about loss and death but it wasn’t until last year where I really spiraled from it. I couldn’t figure out why it became a part of my everyday pondering and thoughts, but all I had seen is that it’s always the good ones gone too soon. I always anticipated more bad news but this past September ended up being the first month with none. It had been the first month I felt like I had a moment to breathe and think normally again. Every month last year was loss after loss of a loved one and one service after another. I'd never let myself recover from the previous one, constantly throwing myself into taking care of family and friends.

I would find myself trying to prepare myself for it and what’s to come, thinking out every possible scenario and the aftermath. What I would do, say, and react to. It’s ridiculous looking back and honestly took a serious conversation saying it out loud to a close friend that this was going on. Once I heard myself out loud I knew things needed to turn around and it was ridiculous of me to put myself through that. To live in constant worry and fear, always preparing for the worst while trying to live life to the fullest was quite literally impossible. Even though I told myself it was to prepare for the worst, it was just putting myself through double the pain I’ll need to deal with.

Jan 2022,

At the end of December (no literally in the last 10 days), I made a deal to myself to do better this new year- I don’t know the key to becoming my version of “that girl” but for now I’m going to fake it until I make it and speak the lifestyle and mentality I want into existence. My growth, healing, and strength over the last few years aren’t going unappreciated, but rather turned into a new direction. My advocacy for fighting for the justice of survivors of interpersonal and sexual violence is something I’ve began doing privately, through volunteer work and supporting organizations with similar missions of The Priya Project.

The lessons learned from growing past the trauma, absolutely influenced the person I’ve become today in many ways, and for that I’m so thankful to you for being a huge part of my support system. While I’ve come to a point where I feel I’ve found peace, I think it’s the end of an era here, as I just don’t see myself in it anymore. Even though I’m not sure what I plan to do with this new and different direction on The Pri Project, I do know that I want to take it from emotional, lengthy posts to something quick and easy to read, focusing more on the bits of peace, mental wellness check-ins, and all the new experiences to this next chapter of life 🕺