April Blues: One Year Later

It's been over a year since I publicly posted the article “No Does Not Mean ‘Convince Me’” and a year and a half since the incident itself. That piece had bought me support and love from faces I couldn’t even imagine, the cost of many empty friendships, and almost getting expelled from my university.

Once I came forward about the incident of fall 2018, everything changed.

People had reached out from all over. Within both of the Rutgers/UMD communities, many had shown so much love and care. The piece even reached less familiar faces from different schools between the coast and the midwest. Even at clubs and bars, every so often, people would stop to show so much love for the piece. It was so incredible and wonderful to meet them, and some of our short but warm conversations also often resulted in them opening up with such bravery and strength about their own journeys*-

“He was my mom’s father”

“My parents told me boys don’t get r*ped by girls”

“They were my cousins, I was 4 and didn’t know it was wrong”

“He told me if I said anything, he’d hurt my little brother”

Direct messages and emails from strangers came flooding, explaining their stories, asking about their PTSD symptoms and sometimes even questioning their sanity.

You are not “crazy,” you never were. Nobody deserves this.

How oddly consoling it was to have the flood of support and love for each other, but how unfortunate it was to have stemmed from such trauma.

It was perplexing that something so deep, something so personal, something so debilitating empowered us to fight for ourselves and rise above our own demons. Sharing my experience was empowering and helped me cope with my own tribulations.

As things slowly started to get better, not one month after I published “No Does Not Mean ‘Convince Me’", I was met with resistance. Not only did my perpetrator send demeaning and horrifying texts but he even took the article to the school to investigate and try to expel me for:

After a semester, aka four months, roughly 120 days, and a third of my year was spent fighting the culture affecting ¼ females and ⅙ men across college campuses everywhere, the letter came to my home and disrupted the first bit of peace I had in months.

It truly was another example as to why many survivors never come forward to their loved ones, let alone report it. They’re more often than not, met with hostility and unjust repercussions, leaving them even more alone and feeling in the wrong. Survivors often come to terms with social stigmas around the “consequences” of being sexually abused/harassed, as well as the inner emotional aspects such as shame and denial. They’re labeled as attention seekers, drama- inducing, victimizing opportunists, who make up these “scenarios” for revenge.

I remember waking up to texts calling me a “miserable c*nt” and even in the library being told to watch how I dress because I was “asking for it.” The fuckin library!?!

Hoes were most definitely mad! AND. I. AM. HOES.

Of course none of this is your typical dinner table conversation, and is understandably a heavy topic but without it, we lack the proper foundation and information to give survivors a safe space to come to. With the combination of social stigmas, the PTSD followed and lack of information, our society makes it harder for survivors to feel safe, let alone come forward and get the support they need. It’s our job to believe survivors and be active bystanders to provide a shoulder to lean on in a world that makes their daily lives harder than it already is.

We already know, there’s an incredible amount of stigma around sexual assault. Most people will shy away from even giving you the definition of sexual assault and brush over the depth and seriousness behind it. But it happens A LOT-- about every 73 seconds in the US. What’s it going to take to stand against it and be the support system for others to lean on when things get real? It gets closer and closer to our communities but it shouldn’t take a loved one experiencing it to understand it. It’s a matter of basic humanity, and millions don’t get the support they need. Millions are blamed for these actions done upon them, millions do not have a system that even hears them, making it harder to even speak up. Thus, leading those millions into thinking they are in the wrong for their perpetrators actions.

It is absolutely absurd, but we can be that change and become the backbone that survivors deserve. It’s our job to get that conversation going and hold others accountable for their actions. Every day we should be vigilant and create change. As April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, we should take a bit of extra time to wear teal in honor of suvirors and be there for our people. Support doesn’t have to be posting all over social media— support can be something as simple as being aware, checking in on your loved ones and hugging them a little tighter.

* Disclaimer: This is a safe place to come to so the stories mentioned above have been slightly altered so nobody’s privacy is compromised

** Hotline Resources: Now more than ever we’re living in unprecedented times and no matter what, help is always available through myself, your loved ones and several hotlines that are there 24/7:

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (thehotline.org)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line: Text "HOME" to 741741

Rape, Sexual Assault, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN): 800 656-HOPE

Rutgers Office for Violence Prevention and Victim Assistance (VPVA): 848-932-1181

UMD’s Campus Advocates Respond and Educate to Stop Violence (CARE): (301) 741-3442

Emergency: 911