ProgressByPri: Falling in "Like"

To the girl who never thought she could love again-

To feel, to love, to try. Trying again and again, hoping that this time it will be different. To go in circles and lose yourself and to feel lost. To hurt, to try, to slowly bounce back. Recovery. And to come to terms with the fear that you’ll never be able to trust and love.

To be hurt, beat, manipulated, and kicked around so much for so long by e v e r y o n e you were kind to. From friends to partners to trusted faces.

It was scary to settle for the idea that I would never love or be loved. I would take all that I have, to muster up some hope, and at least give things a shot. Not because I longed for “boys” in my life, but because I craved the deep connection within friendships. Only to be reminded that the four letter word that every fairytale, friendship, and romantic story would glamourize was something I wasn’t capable of feeling.

I slowly came to terms with that, until you came into my life.

After years of being manipulated, abused, hidden and lied to, I still gave you a chance. It’s insane how I let someone have any influence in my life despite all of my baggage. And to trust again?! Ha. Knowing that one day, this reality could soon just become another memory where I was tossed around. I held my guard up for so long in life so of course I maintained that mindset for what was just supposed to be a mere fling. What I thought was just supposed to be another date for your formal. But months went by, of nights laughing and spending time together. Before we realized it, the physical bond didn’t matter, all that mattered was the emotional connection we shared. That itself, was everything.

Until then, I had experienced a lot. Lots of pain but because of that, also lots of strength. Thanks to you, I’ve finally experienced a certain happiness, different from anything I’ve ever seen before. This was truly something else. It was the company and friendship that allowed me to experience living in the moment, with nothing else on my mind. Not a single thought of worry. You showed me how to live life to the fullest.

I had finally understood what it meant to feel, “at bliss.”

Experiences like those were absolutely unbelievable. Some of which became some of my fondest memories in my life. I had never felt so many butterflies in my stomach but at the same time so calm and content. The ambivalence I felt was flustering- in a good way. I had never felt so at ease that all I could do was tear up. So serene but at the same time so taken aback by this “too good to be true” reality.

One day it came to an end and we barely exchanged sentences in passing after that. For sometime I was resentful and upset. Slowly, I realized all that you had given to me. Experiences and feelings I will hold onto and cherish for years forward. Even though we went our own ways, I’m so thankful for everything you’ve given me.

Thank you for instilling hope in my hopeless self, especially at my lows. Thank you for teaching me what unconditional meant and for quelling my fears with me. Thank you for helping me feel that even for a split second, things were okay. Thank you for being an open ear and my place of safety. Thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on and a hand to grab onto when taking leaps, big or small. Thank you for being a true friend and for always encouraging me.

Thank you for teaching me how to love and giving me your all. Your heart is truly amazing.

You gave me hope that someday it’ll only be like you or better. That it even exists.

For every person that thought that they couldn’t feel anymore, I did too, I get it. But it is most definitely not the case. There comes a time in your life when all those impossibles turn into “I'm possible” and you finally feel the way you deserve to and finally are treated like the amazing person you are. A whole ass queen. Just because it had an expiration date doesn’t mean it is any less significant and exciting. At the end of the day I'm so grateful to have had those memories. I know that I won’t settle for less and know what I deserve at the least.

It’s amazing how people come and go from your life like clouds rolling through the sky and the sky will never look the same again. From the glass half empty I finally saw the half that was full. And it was beyond heartwarming. Be patient. Be kind. All the energy you put into the world is what you will receive. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But that time will come, and the wait will have been so worth it.

Love,

Pri