Another Candle to Another Milestone

When I entered my twenties last year, I remembered thanking people for the roles they played in my life when they wished me a happy birthday, instead of thanking them for remembering that it is “my day” or whatever. “My day” just didn’t feel right. It was just another day of the year, but something always felt off.

It perplexed me as to why I hadn’t felt a single day of the year as my own. One to celebrate myself and how far I’ve come. I always loved celebrating other people’s birthdays and watching them embrace it as their “special day,” but no matter how many over the top parties I threw or heartfelt birthday letters I wrote for them, I still could not figure out why I couldn’t embrace my own.

Although I couldn’t figure out why for the longest time, last year I realized I could at least use entering my twenties to do what I love. To do more with my voice and platform, to try to make a difference, and shed light and positivity in my community. Maybe that would help me appreciate myself and “my day” even a tiny bit more.

But as I come around the corner for my 21st birthday, oh yes, finally being “legal,” I can buy liquor now and get a horizontal driver’s license. I can adopt a child or gamble in a casino too if I really wanted to.

All things that I never thought I’d get to do.

All of these experiences, moments, and days I never thought I would get to see. I wasn’t supposed to become an adult. It was never in the plan. Growing up was extremely difficult because from a young age I was depressed. Middle school and high school, ages 12 to 18 were some of the darkest years thus far, even though I physically experienced worse after. There is no set time for when shit comes your way and traumatizes you. I still have mental and physical scars from then. And all those years I often wanted to cut life short.

Those scars accumulated and I completely lost myself. For so many years I struggled and never thought I'd experience happiness. True happiness to the point where all I wanted was to just feel “okay.” I would blame myself for the bad and beat myself up, even more, thinking things were my fault. Dark experiences put me down constantly but it took being able to focus on the little lights in my life, to get me through it. To change my mindset even a little bit and lay out the small accomplishments throughout the day, and by removing the toxic mindset and atmosphere around me I was able to slowly create progress. Baby steps were everything. To be able to get out of bed or surround myself with good company and ask for help, were little things that would keep me growing in the right direction. Despite the failed friendships and toxic individuals, I rose up over to those adversities thanks to those who were uplifting and supportive in my life. I know sometimes being alone in our minds can be hard but it’s about creating encouraging energy around you and having a strong support system who help take the hate. No matter how dark things may get, try to find at least one positive and work up from there. It’s a matter of trying to take control of the situation, even if it’s just counting your breaths. The negatives definitely may feel heavier then the positives but why should we only focus on those. If 10 people compliment you or remind you that you are loved throughout the day at work/school, but on the ride home someone calls you a moron and cuts you off, why do we focus on that one person who has something hurtful to say? Why do we get so heated and let it ruin our mood? We shouldn’t milk the negatives when there will always be more good surrounding you than bad.

It’s about having good people around you, a better mindset, and pushing the bad influences out of your life. People, substances, places. As much as I worry too, my mother always reminded me that we have to remember that it’s not gonna help in the long run. Why worry to the point of self-destruction, when we can spend that time enjoying the moment taking it all in with our loved ones. We’re forever young, with our whole lives are ahead of us, so sometimes just take a moment to step back, breathe, and reflect. Surround yourself with good people and distract yourself with their jokes and love. Don’t forget to take a minute and be proud of yourself for making it this far. Give yourself some credit-- you’re stronger than you think.

So, here I am now, almost twenty-one years later, continuing to live and thrive. As I reflect back on myself, realizing that I did THAT. I made it this far and overcame so much. Through the pain and loneliness, the loss and the failures. And now, I remember that I didn’t make it this far to only make it this far. And as I write this, a week around the corner from turning 21, it hit me. I learned that it’s a day to celebrate the people who helped me come this far. I never felt like it was MY day because it was more of a day dedicated to those who supported me and helped me get here. If these years have taught me anything it’s that I can’t take anything for granted, especially all of you. My people: family, friends, acquaintances, and those who were transient. You meet everyone in life for a reason. Because of that, and everything you all have taught me, it’s all of our days. I finally realized I want to celebrate, not to get drunk or gamble, but to thank those around me. To celebrate you. To cheer and dance with the good, uplifting people in my life and made me the woman I’m finally proud to be today. So thank YOU.