Reflection

Always having a “significant other” has always made me dependent and made me feel secured per se. Not that I was in love or always happy for that matter but it just meant I didn’t have to be alone. The idea of being lonely consumed me and being in my own head was oftentimes scary and what seemed unhealthy to me. Depression, dark thoughts and emptiness seemed to follow the idea of being alone and often did when I was. It was a combination of unhealthy people and the fear of being alone though that made my mind feel so toxic.

I mentioned the concept of having a significant other in quotes to emphasize on the fact that from the start of my teens, I have always been in a so called relationship. To me though I realized it wasn’t about love or intimacy or anything but rather having a good friend and have a sense of companionship. Good company to fill the lonely and empty aspects of my life. Whether it was a teenage fling or a relationship that got dragged out longer than it should’ve, I’ve always been with someone.

So especially after two of them being long toxic relation/friendships, one physically and the other mentally abusive, and several failed friendships based on lies and manipulation, going into 2018, I had promised myself it would be the year of me. Don’t get me wrong, those two relationships were out of a nightmare. A scary dream that dragged on for six total years of my life but, as awful as it was, I learned something about myself. It was that I could go through something like that, and survive. So for 2018, I went into it to start to learn about myself, accept myself, love myself and be alone with myself. Open, honestly, and with no rules and anchors. I would stop feeding into other people’s draining demons and focus on growing, creating, loving, and evolving.

I went into 2018 as single and alone as any-one could be, but as scary as it was I knew I had to keep a positive mindset about it. That’s all I could have going into the year anyways. And it made the greatest of differences. According to the National Science Foundation, I learned that the average human has about 12,000 - 60,000 thoughts per day. But 80% are negative. With a toxic environment constantly around me, my mindset had also become negative and I constantly struggled with that and it poured into my physical and daily lives. I had to constantly remind myself for so long on how to remain positive and look for the good in every situation. How I wouldn’t be the stronger, experienced, and independent woman I am today without my hardships, and I wouldn’t be proud of how far I’d come either. When times got really tough, I would just be proud that I got out of bed that day or even ate something. Our thoughts are so powerful and in practice and time, it can be so doable for others too.

In another article, Drowning, I mentioned how no matter what’s going on, it’s okay to be hurt, confused, and lost. You’re going to grow so much from this and come out even stronger and wiser, and one day you’ll look back, and remember the times after the pain. Times you spent loving yourself, enjoying the beauty behind each day, just simply living life moment to moment.

I spent 2018 with the mindset of being positive and learning how to be alone. At times I even forgot that this was my goal but kept up with it because soon it was just another part of me and a part of my routine. I grew to appreciate my alone time and observe more of the world around me. It’s not about the basic “oh I did a lot more reading” or “watched more Netflix with my free time” but rather how I saw more the world had to offer and got to experience more on top of that. I learned from my surroundings and became a better listener. I knew I was meant to heal because I would fall in love with broken people. Broken guys, broken friends, and the broken aspects of the world (hence starting The Priya Project). But no matter how many people I can help and be there for, I’m alone right now too because I’m broken myself and have been for quite a while. So with that, my plan was to fall in love with myself to get a taste of my own medicine.

I did exactly that. In the last couple of months I forgot about my plans for the year but when recently helping a friend through relationship matters of his own, I began to reflect back. I was reminded of all that I planned and realized how much I’ve grown. All of the bumps I hit and ruts I fell into, but also how I bounced back from them and shined. I can finally say I’m proud of myself for doing me, and for understanding what that means too. For accomplishing a year long goal of being independent and overcoming all of the societal, physical and mental obstacles too.

However just because I have come this far doesn’t mean there isn’t room for improvement. I hope that this new year allows me to learn even more about myself and to keep improving from every aspect. I hope to inspire people this year too, to steer their lives as well into a positive direction. To live it with no regrets because life is too short to brood over the past but long enough to envision a future.

-Pri