Drowning

That uncomfortable and horrid feeling i’ve been having has finally gotten the best of me. I should probably reach out to a friend or two but it’s all hitting me too hard. This feeling has been building up for quite awhile now. About two months? 67 days now. Mentally, it has been beyond tolling and a break from the world is what I need just so I can touch back with my roots again. I feel beyond disconnected from every aspect of my life. Family, peers, my happiness, and myself. Old memories about toxic people in the past are being re-lived in my mind. Although they aren’t part of my life anymore, it feels like these memories continue to linger on.

Their unwanted presences feel to be following and trolling me right now. Even though it isn’t my fault. None of it was. From their physically harmful ways to mentally toxic personalities, both managed to make me feel incompetent, useless, and extremely irrelevant. Both at different times in my life but cumulatively from 2012 to 2018. Six years of having these overbearing and manipulative presences in my life. It was a lot to take, and even to this day, the thoughts come and go in waves.

In this time though, more than ever, I haven’t felt like myself and after a while I felt myself falling into a dark place I did not want to spiral into. I’ve been unhappy with who I was becoming and opened up my mind to doing other things but nothing seemed to work. I was slowly losing myself and all I wanted was to feel rooted again. Nothing feels fulfilling anymore and I can't seem to find anything that provides a constant source of happiness or satisfaction.

When it comes to that overwhelming feeling, life feels suffocating and not being able to get a breath of fresh air is a feeling unlike any other. This emotion builds up and I start to focus on commitments rather than taking care of myself which gets frustrating, leading to feeling burnt out and exhausted. The rush of going from task to obligation with no time for myself leads to nothing being enjoyable anymore. Lately for long periods of time I feel like i’m “just there” no matter where I am or who I’m with. Like just another leaf in the wind.

Whether I have many obligations or no plans at all, boredom can get the best of me and work its way into being a majority of my day. There's no enjoyment or satisfaction in activities anymore. Work feels meaningless now because this automatic routine of life that has engulfed me. Suffering from boredom has really gone from having no plans for a day to taking over me for many hours, almost everyday of the week. These feelings germinate from lack of enthusiasm into being less productive, and then spirals down, turning into a new routine from there.

Even with great company, I slowly begin to feel lonely and push myself away eventually turning down plans and keeping to myself. Online, life may seem so exciting, but my heart feels empty, and despite the world being so connected now more than ever, this emptiness is beyond tolling. It really changes me and my outlook on life, making me reliant on things that give short term joy, from work tasks, to cardio, to ice cream or alcohol. In moderation all of these are okay but the short term happiness will become the constant go-to for some form of light in my life, making me dependant on these which will worsen my health mentally and eventually physically as well, so being able to find a balance and limit was really crucial.

Finally, when facing times of self-doubt and negativity, I’ve been taking even more time to myself to wonder if it’s me or my surroundings and where the bad energy is originating from. I cry it out, sprint the anger away, or just put on music, thinking of each aspect of my, life but at the end of it as much as everything may seem to be falling apart, I promise it is not. Find out where the negativity is coming from and distance yourself from it. I try to take control of each aspect of my life and make small goals and plans. Baby steps. I finally started reaching out to friends for some help and sometimes for the company, and it started to make all the difference.

Lately I’ve been “over it” and everything seems so bland. I grow to hate myself for my life being a constant cycle of nothing fulfilling. This takes a toll on my health, mentally and even physically, but very slowly I started working my way out of this mindset. To do to so I’ve been working on making little changes first such as taking breaks and keeping my music when I take even 5 minutes to myself. I try to make myself a priority and pace myself through the rush of the day. When I study, I take short breaks when needed to stop my mind from running and overworking, and stop and go to bed once I don’t retain information. In a more social setting and I feel myself losing touch and feeling distant, I step out of the room a bit, regain myself from the support of a friend or just taking a second to clear my head.

I promise you are not alone, and these dark times should never have to be what you settle for. Feeling down and in your misery is okay, we all experience it and it is okay to. From there though, take a step back and analyze the different points in your life. No matter what’s going on, it’s okay to be hurt, confused, lost. You’re going to grow so much from this and come out even stronger and wiser, and one day you’ll look back, and remember the times after the pain. Times you spent loving yourself, enjoying the beauty behind each day, just simply living life moment to moment.

There can be so many reasons and issues as to why you may not feel your best or content with anything anymore. Recently, these were some of the reasons why I’ve been distant with myself and the positive aspects of my life. I’m finally starting to feel rooted again and like my old self, while also maturing into what I think is the adult phase of my life. All of this resulting in my time off from the Priya Project and needing to figure myself out.

This is a reminder that pain, anger, confusion, are all temporary. Don't hold onto them but don't be pushed down by them either. They'll shape you for the better one day. Keep pushing through the water as your head will soon arrive at the surface.

And soon those pains will be of the past and you will finally be able to take a breath of fresh air.