Summertime Fine

You got it from your mother and it’s all yours to keep, its your body. Flaunt it, style it, and be your own kind of beautiful with it, at the end of the day it’s all up to you. Not the school administration, not creepy older men, not judgmental aunties, and most certainly not your peers.

It was senior year of highschool and our class was planning an end of the year trip. We were working on going to a rec park with pools and activities, just your typical senior class trip when I realized I wanted to wear a bikini just like my peers always do. They were all beautiful and had bodies I only dreamed of having. At 18 years old I had never felt comfortable enough to go out like that, but I knew I wanted to do this too. I picked out a set I bought with my mom a year before but just “never had the chance to wear” and would try it on all the time the weeks leading up to the day. If I could just be comfortable with myself...

The day came and once we got to the park I went to the locker room to change. It was just a matter of taking my tank top off. Although this seemed like such a mundane task, I was nervous and afraid as to what people would think about my body. I felt as if every single person would glare at me, mocking me about the way I looked. As if my stretch marks, hip dips, and thunder thighs were the end of the world.

My friends were right outside letting me take all the time I needed despite not knowing the depth of the situation going on in my head.

Everything is going to be okay. I look and feel fine. Kind of. Not really.

Just kidding, I’m a wreck.

But, that day was the day I had spent weeks anticipating for. I was going to be raw and real with myself and go out there. After all, I was more than just a body. Or so I thought.

I hesitantly walked out with my friends who encouraged me to head over to the lake with them and have a good time in the water, paddle boating and kayaking. We were about to hit the pool and water slides but as I walked into the area, I felt a stern grip on my shoulder. The hand vigorously turned me around and all I saw was 6 feet  and 2 inches of disgust and disappointment.

“You look like you’re asking for it. You whore.”

The voice just echoed in my head for a bit.

I couldn't fathom what I had just heard more or less comprehend. It all seemed like a jumble of words that took me a couple seconds to just swallow down my throat.

I looked up and there he was, my toxic ex-boyfriend. My jaw dropped. The supposed guy who claimed he just wants to “look out” for me. I think the fuck not.

In reality, I hadn’t even taken off my shorts yet but inside I felt stripped. It was a whirlwind of emotions that were rushing through me. But all that came out was a small, “What do you mean?” I was confused more than ever and moreover, I was filled with anger to the brink of my throat.

What I really meant to say was,

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK LIKE THAT TO ME.”

“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?”

“HOW IS THIS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?”

If I could go back in time, I would’ve said all of these but frankly at the time I had numbed out in sheer astonishment. No one, especially his insensitive self had no business commenting on me, my body, or outfit. And right when I thought I had heard enough, he spoke again. This time blaringly yelling at me.

“You’re supposed to be a conservative little Indian girl. You look trashy and your mother would be disappointed, go cover the fuck up”

First of all, how dare he talk to me like that? Like I was less than him?

Second, who was he to tell me what to do?

Third, wasn’t this the 21st century?

I couldn't believe that in this day and age, that misogynist had the audacity to even speak in such a tone and manner, belittling me, making me feel even smaller than I already felt. I was appalled. No one had ever spoke to me in such a degrading manner.

There is so much I wish I had said to him, even to this day two years later, but truthfully I was too shocked. I didn’t think these things happen all the time to women everywhere. I never thought I would see it in person, let alone experience it myself.

I have come to realize that people that have such views have no self-respect and decency. So shallow minded. They continue to embarrass themselves with their outdated views and ignorance and no person should even think even worse speak with such misogynistic ideals.

With summer and bikini season coming to an end I thought it was an appropriate time to share this story but to also remind you that there is no right or wrong time to start to learn how to love your body. That was just the start of my journey onto figuring out how to appreciate mine but to be completely honest, I didn't fully love it until two years later, aka earlier this year. 

With that I want to take this moment as a reminder of two things- no matter the way you look, you are beautiful. Don’t let it be a measure of your self worth or how much love you deserve. The weight on the scale or marks on your body are not a representation of how much goodness you deserve in your life. And lastly, you are capable of so many great things. Whether it be loving your body or doing what makes you happy, manifest your dreams and it will happen like the spiritual law of attraction. As easy as it can be to fall into habit with fear of failure and get comfortable with that, at the end of the day, remember what you want and want to do, and strive for it hard.

-Pri