Finding my Outlets, Finding my Voice

As a young A.B.C.D. (american born confused desi), middle school me was puzzled about attempting to juggle multiple identities. From strict and judgmental Indian settings to being surrounded by hormonal teenagers, I felt trapped in my own body. It all took a serious toll on me starting when I was 13.

Struggling to figure myself out, while trying to balance the pressures of society, I found myself in a dark place, alone and confused because it seemed as if everyone had invisible tape over their mouths when it came to voicing internal struggles. Especially in the desi community, it was all about being the best student, the most talented athlete/musician, and being a “proper” little girl all at the same time. I was only 13.

When I couldn’t take the pressure of trying to live up to everyone’s expectations, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make ends meet. I felt like I was buried under rocks, always struggling to get back up, and one day, the weight got too heavy. The criticism struck hard and with everyone always trying to change me, and I eventually believed that I was the one at fault. I would tell myself that I didn’t deserve happiness because I didn’t meet half the expectations and standards set by others. Because I felt unworthy and so low, I turned to self harm and neglect to punish myself. All at the age of 13.

After years of pushing more pain onto myself and being in my own world of sadness, i definitely knew I needed something to turn to. It wasn’t an easy overnight process, nor was I able to do it on my own. It took me 5-6 years to even begin to change.

Looking back, I feel like as if my life constitutes many stories. For me, a turning point, occurred when I started university and met so many vibrant characters who I could be raw with. Meeting thousands of personalities and unique ones at that, allowed for me to finally be more comfortable showing my own thoughts, and pushed me to be a better and healthier version of myself.

Putting my mind on outlets like photography, makeup, fashion and even modeling helped me get through those difficult times which let me focus on other things and put my feelings out in a healthy manner. There were many outlets that momentarily quelled my destructive nature and for even a second let me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Throughout all these struggles, these people, these hobbies, and these new places, outlets are a vital reason as to why I’m still here standing strong today.

Being able to turn to my art allowed for me to release my emotions in a much safer and positive way, making me grow so much as an individual too. They’ve taught me how to cry and feel hurt through dramatic photography, bold makeup looks, and especially helped me to process body confidence. Modeling and sharing my art makes me feel a level of comfort, especially with my physical features, on a level I never thought I could reach. I’ve always hated my body until recently, and looking back on how much i’ve grown as an individual, makes me proud of myself- the only person I should focus on pleasing before anyone and anything else.

Throughout the years, outlets have changed my life and continue to do so. On this platform, I share my work that continues to shape me into the woman I am today with the intention of inspiring others to find healthy outlets to turn to as well. Even after the difficult times, I continue to use them to keep me on a positive path and to feel grounded. On that note, check out the Outlets page to see my own art and hopefully find your path as well.

Love,

Pri

P.S. Feel free to message me if you have any questions about my outlets or would like help figuring out your own!